Wish I Could Have Saved You
by ariadne melody
Summary: Stefan has problems getting over the sacrifice. An alternate version of 2.22.


**AN**: Thank you so much for all the wonderful feedback- it's very encouraging and helpful! This takes place after 2.21, a sort-of "what if Stefan hadn't gone off with Klaus" story. Feedback would be lovely, and thanks for reading!

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><p>In the aftermath of the sacrifice, Stefan kept close to Elena; he needed to constantly reassure himself that she was safe, that she was alive and wasn't the cold, pale corpse that Klaus had flung carelessly to the ground. Sleep without her was impossible, sleeping besides her wasn't exactly restful either. He needed to touch her just to make sure her skin was warm, needed to listen to her breathe to make sure she sounded all right, to make sure she was breathing. Besides, with sleep came the heightened memories and nightmares of letting her go, watching her die, and he couldn't bear to wake her up because of watching her die in his sleep yet again.<p>

Elena kept close to Stefan as well. For one thing, he's the person who steadied her most, and she needs that more than ever. For another, perhaps more importantly, she more than wanted to be with Stefan; she loved being with him, talking to him and not talking, watching him slowly relax around others, seeing his small smile grow into a larger one, watch the look on his face whenever she kissed him, that look of lust and amazement and love. Like he couldn't believe she loved him even after all this time, even after everything that had happened.

"Hey," Elena said softly, pulling the brush through her hair. She peered around the bathroom door and looked at Stefan, taking in his wet hair and how his damp skin still gleamed; a smirk grew across her face as she looked at him, remembering how only moments before they'd been wrapped around each other in the shower, their bodies moving together and their voices rising in unison, Stefan fisting her hair and Elena's lips caressing his neck. Yet Stefan didn't seem to notice her smirk- he seemed lost in thought, his face had that achingly familiar look of sadness, loss, horror. In the past days he's often worn that look.

She set the brush back down. "You were quiet today."

"Was I? Stefan looked up, absently messing his hair. "Sorry. Guess I was... thinking about stuff."

Elena wandered to him and climbed into his lap, wrapping her arms and legs around him. "About the sacrifice?"

At Stefan's startled look Elena shrugged and began to rub his shoulders. "You get this look in your eyes and it reminds me of that night when you... when you watched me die. And the other day I woke up and you, you looked so scared and you didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't push you. You're able to hide it a lot, but it's there."

Stefan's arms tightened around her, his hands grasping her skin through the shirt she wore (his, of course). "All day I've been seeing your body. I see Klaus draining you and I can't stop it, I can't save you, the only thing I can do is watch you die and it doesn't stop..."

Elena kissed him passionately, tearing her lips away to whisper, "I'm alive. Stefan, I'm here, I'm okay."

"I know," Stefan ducked his head, but Elena caught a glimpse of the tears glistening in his eyes. "But seeing you like that, watching Klaus kill you and not doing anything to stop it, I'll never forget that, Elena. Not being there when you came back..."

"You were there soon enough," Elena told him.

"Not for me," Stefan whispered and Elena knew that was true.

She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him, her tongue probing his lips until he finally gave in and opened his mouth, the kiss taking over. They fell back onto the bed, Elena straddling Stefan as his hands skimmed her sides, running over her legs and grabbing her ass.

"Are you thinking about it now?" Elena whispered between kisses, rocking her hips against his.

"No." Stefan pulled the shirt off and flung it to the side, his hands and lips caressing every inch of her. The drained, dead Elena couldn't even begin to compete with the real Elena writhing on top of him, her hair falling around their faces and concealing them from the world, their bodies moving faster. Elena kissed him harder, crying out softly as he entered her, grasping his shoulders and arching above him, his lips traveling her skin.

"I don't want you to think of me like that," Elena murmured, her voice soft and sleepy, her head nestled against his chest. Stefan kissed the top of her head and continued to stroke her back; her body was so soft and comfortable against his, her legs were tangled with his and her hands were on his chest, softly kneading his skin.

Despite the long days and nights leading up to the sacrifice, the long days and nights since the sacrifice, and the fact that he's completely exhausted, Stefan couldn't sleep. No sooner had he closed his eyes when the memories from that night assaulted him again and again; letting Klaus take Elena, Elena telling him to close his eyes, letting Jenna die, watching Klaus drain Elena, her body being dumped besides his. He wasn't the one to save her, he couldn't protect her, he didn't love her enough-

"Stefan," Elena whispered. She kissed his chest, one hand going to his tattoo and tracing it. "I love you."

"I love you Lena," Stefan whispered, his voice sounding strained and tight. His arms tightened around her (he could never hold her tightly enough). "I love you."

Slowly, Elena lifted her head enough to catch the look on his face. "Nothing makes it go away, does it? Not holding me or kissing me or anything."

"No," Stefan replied. "It doesn't go away."

"I wish I could make you forget." She shifted so they lay on their sides, their bodies somehow becoming even more tangled. "I wish I could make things easier for you."

Stefan's eyes were brilliantly bright with tears. "No, I'm being selfish. You- Jenna-"

"Love-"

"There's so much more I could have done that night, there's so much more _I_ should have done, I-"

"Stefan, love, _Stefan_," Elena placed her finger against his lips. "Nothing that happened that night was your fault."

"I should have tried harder to save you."

"You save me every day," Elena told him fiercely. "You're the reason why I'm not some messed-up, well, even more messed-up mess than I already am. You help me get through the days, you make me actually look forward to getting through them. I love you, _you_, Stefan and I... I want you to start forgiving yourself."

Elena kissed him and Stefan fiercely, passionately kissed her back, both kissing like their lives depended on it.

"I love you," they told each other.

Forgiveness wouldn't happen tonight, Elena knew; hell, Stefan couldn't forgive himself for things that happened in 1857, so they definitely had a long road ahead. But it would be one that they would take together.


End file.
